If you do, the entire city of St. Louis would like to borrow it and a DeLorean, in hopes of somehow altering the outcomes of the city's wretched weekend of sports.

Of all the possible scenarios that one could have imagined concerning the Rams and Cardinals, nobody would have guessed this one. It wasn't just that the Rams lost at home, or that the Cardinals got swept in Arizona that hurt. It was how they lost, combined with off the field issues and key players getting injured. Let's painfully review the weekend, and give a bit of the media's perspective on things.

- Rick Ankiel: By now, we all know that the former comeback kid was linked to receiving HGH in Florida in 2004. No, HGH wasn't banned by baseball in 2004, and he stopped receiving it when it did get banned, but the feel-good story of the 2007 baseball season was ruined.

After that came his "denial", where he claimed he did nothing wrong. Problem was, it wasn't really a denial at all, and it sounded a whole lot like somebody else that Cardinal Nation is familiar with when Ankiel said, "I'm not going into the list of what my doctors have prescribed for me ... There are doctor-patient privileges, and I hope guys respect those privileges."

Bryan Burwell of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch offered his take on the proceedings, which I wholeheartedly agree with:

"We wanted the truth and could have handled the truth. But all Ankiel did was sound like every other suspect in this era of designer drugs and chemically enhanced magic. He covered his tracks in the murkiness of another wishy-washy non-denial denial. It wasn't quite, 'I'm not here to talk about the past,' but it was close enough for my discomfort."

- Cardinals Swept: After Ankiel's press conference, the Cardinals still had a three-game series with the Arizona Diamondbacks to complete. And they proceeded to blow all three games. After a close game that culminated in a 4-2 loss on Friday, the Cardinals seemed primed to take Saturday's game. Until they blew a 7-3 lead and ended up losing 9-8.

Post-Dispatch writer Joe Strauss offers this commentary:

"If Saturday night's action at Chase Field didn't set the game back 40 years, it at least took the Cardinals back to the bad old days of May."

Then on Sunday, the Cards blew a 4-2 lead, and ended up getting swept out of the Arizona desert. As if that weren't bad enough, word comes that left fielder Chris Duncan is probably out for the year with a hernia. Duncan became the fifth significant player to go down due to injury, joining Chris Carpenter, Adam Kennedy, Juan Encarnacion and Scott Rolen.

- Rams Lose To Panthers: After an off-season dedicated to putting some new pieces into the offense, defense and special teams, expectations were pretty high around St. Louis concerning the Rams. That lasted all of one half of football, as the Carolina Panthers ran through and around them to win by a two touchdown margin, 27-13. Good teams don't lose by fourteen points at home to anybody, much less a Panthers team that was 8-8 last year and isn't exactly a juggernaut. I'm not saying Carolina isn't a good team. They obviously are. But not fourteen points better, especially not at home.

How did this happen? Well, the run defense was it's usual self, allowing 186 yards on the ground at 4.9 yards per carry. DeAngelo Williams and DeShaun Foster were running through holes bigger than Paris Hilton's ... uh, nevermind. You get the picture. The gaps were huge.

Offensively, Marc Bulger was not his usual accurate self, and Steven Jackson, after losing just two fumbles all of last year, lost two fumbles in the third quarter alone, which killed the Rams. After which, Post-Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz offered this perspective on the running back:

"Perhaps Jackson will better understand that to be considered great, you have to do more than have one big season. You have to do more than promote yourself. You have to do more than take cheap shots at Marshall Faulk in interviews. And you have to avoid fumbling."

But Jackson wasn't the entire problem. The entire offense was out of rhythm, and then to cap it all off, Orlando Pace got hurt in the second quarter, suffering what coach Scott Linehan deemed, "A pretty bad sprain." Though Pace was injured, and that was a blow, there was no reason to completely buckle in the second half. The play-calling by offensive coordinator Greg Olson was especially brutal, which led Burwell to question what the coaching staff was doing:

"The problem with the Rams' offense isn't coping with Life After Orlando. It's coping with coaches who keep forgetting how committed they have to be to sticking with a game plan that realizes that you have to keep feeding Jackson the ball. It's coping with coaches who have brain cramps too often, where they forget about how and why this offense should work like a dream almost every Sunday."

So, the Cardinals season is slowly slipping away, and should they lose the division by one or two games, all they have to do is look back to the weekend of September 7-9 to see where it went wrong. Likewise, the Rams have gotten off to as a poor a start as anyone could have dreamed. Granted, it's one game, and there are fifteen more to play. But the NFL only has 16 games. And losing at home to a .500 team by two touchdowns is disconcerting, at best.

So, I'll ask again, anybody got that flux capacitor? And can you throw in 1.21 gigawatts while you're at it?