When fans of the St. Louis Cardinals are pining for the return of Juan Encarnacion, you know this team has a problem offensively. It's also a problem when Kip Wells is most of your offense.

While Walt Jocketty says to be patient, Cardinal Nation is in a tizzy trying to determine how the team that won the World Series last year can be last in the N.L. in slugging percentage and lose four straight games to the Pirates and Giants.

Meanwhile, there is little to do but wait. Wait for Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Adam Kennedy and whoever is trotting out to right field to break out of their funk.

Maybe this won't be as easy as I thought.

Anyone who has been to a national park knows that you just cannot mess with park rangers. After all, they do carry batons and pepper spray. Apparently, Milwaukee Brewer centerfielder Bill Hall has yet to learn this lesson.

Late last Thursday night, Hall was briefly detained by a park ranger near the grounds of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, after failing to make a turn while in a turn lane.

Hall was given a sobriety test and passed, but was still detained and Brewers manager Ned Yost had to get out of his comfy bed and come pick him up. He was not amused. "Billy really didn't do anything wrong except fail to make a turn in a turn lane," he told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel.

"It didn't make sense to me that a ranger was involved," Yost said.

That makes two of us, Ned.

The juxtaposition of the events surrounding Don Imus' remarks and the injustices suffered by former Duke Lacrosse players in the Non-Rape case are fascinating. While what Don Imus said was stupid and insensitive and racist, they were words, and not life-altering actions.

These young women were not falsely accused of heinous crimes, physically threatened by extremist hate groups, and pretty much had a year of their lives taken away from them. In fact, it could be argued that Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer used this opportunity to get a little recruiting done. However, I won't make that argument. (But I will let Jason Whitlock do it).

With all of this said, including an apology by an ESPN columnist, I think this is the quintessential video clip surrounding these events - from the always entertaining HamNation, "Things That Didn't Happen In Durham".

Of all the pitchers in the majors, who would've guessed that Odalis Perez would be the one to invent a new pitch? Forget K-Rod. Somebody might want to check under his hat.

The world of sports gets a little more exciting Wednesday, April 11 as the Stanley Cup Playoffs get underway. Men with mullets, rejoice! With that, comes intensely researched predictions that will surely be correct. If it is possible to gamble on hockey (and I'm sure it is), then print out these picks, go to Vegas, get a hooker and some coke, lock yourself in a cheap motel room and get prepared to make some money.

Western Conference

1. Detroit vs. 8. Calgary

Prediction: Calgary
Have you ever been to Calgary? What the hell else is there to do in Calgary if the Flames aren't playing?

2. Anaheim vs. 7. Minnesota

Prediction: Anaheim
Gordon Bombay coaches them to a first round victory as Goldberg is stellar in net and Pacey from Dawson's Creek scores the game winner in OT in game 7. Quack! Quack! Quack!

3. Vancouver vs. 6. Dallas

Prediction: Dallas
Because if they don't, people are going to lose their jobs.

4. Nashville vs. 5. San Jose

Prediction: Nashville
Two of the traditional hockey hotbeds in America duke it out, and Nashville wins, behind the power of Peter Forsberg and the ugliest uniforms in hockey.

Eastern Conference

1. Buffalo vs. 8. N.Y. Islanders

Prediction: Buffalo
Okay, Buffalo has to win something, right? Don't they need something to make themselves feel better after four Super Bowl losses and Willis McGahee's kind words?

2. New Jersey vs. 7. Tampa Bay

Prediction: New Jersey
Seriously, Marty Brodeur is that good.

3. Atlanta vs. 6. N.Y. Rangers

Prediction: Atlanta
Henrik Lundqvist will spend too much time slashing and spitting on the Ice Girls and not enough time stopping Keith Tkachuk and company.

4. Ottawa vs. 5. Pittsburgh

Prediction: Pittsburgh
Seriously, Sidney Crosby is that good.

Western Coference Semis
Nashville over Calgary
Anaheim over Dallas

Western Conference Finals
Nashville over Anaheim

Eastern Conference Semis
Buffalo over Pittsburgh
New Jersey over Atlanta

Eastern Conference Finals
Buffalo over New Jersey

Stanley Cup Finals
Buffalo over Nashville

So there it is, Buffalo will be able to quit worrying about losing four Super Bowls, an octogenarian in control of their football team and having the stingiest owner in the NFL. Meanwhile, Nashville will continue to worry that Pac-Man Jones will eat their children, especially now that he's been suspended for a year and, really, what the hell is he gonna do with all that free time?

As we all know, the WNBA is booming. Millions and millions of us tuned in this past Wednesday, April 4th, to watch the WNBA Draft. The future location of many women's college basketball stars was debated all over the TV and internet.

Okay, maybe not, but espn.com did have a mock draft!

That said, the question has been asked over and over: If the WNBA held a draft based on how cute a player is, what would the first round look like? I'll attempt to answer that very question today. Trust me, this is not as easy as it may seem. (Click on picture for larger image)

1. Seattle Storm - Sue Bird













(© Michael Caulfield/ WireImage.com)

2. Brazil - Hortencia (on left in photo) (No, the country of Brazil is not in the WNBA. But this one-named woman is apparently a baskeball legend there. God, Brazil is great.)













(Joe Murphy / NBAE / Getty Images)

3. Chicago Sky - Kayte Christensen













4. Phoenix Mercury - Adriana Moises Pinto (Also Brazilian, by the way. And those Brazilian uniforms are much better than the WNBA's uniforms. Or more horrifying, depending on who's wearing them.













5. New York Liberty - Iciss Tillis













6. L.A. Sparks - Lisa Leslie













7. Connecticut Sun - Erin Phillips













8. Minnesota Lynx - Kristen Mann







9. Washington Mystics - Bernice Mosby (Who actually was drafted Wednesday)













(Jennifer Pottheiser/NBAE/Getty Images)

10. Detroit Shock - Swin Cash












(Joe Murphy/NBAE/Getty Images)

11. San Antonio Silver Stars - Chantelle Anderson













(Photo: Toby Jorrin)

12. Houston Comets - Sheryl Swoopes













13. Sacramento Monarchs - Adrian Williams













14. Indiana Fever - Ann Strother














And that is the end of the 1st round. All in all, a surprisingly decent effort. Fortunately, there will be no 2nd round (trust me, you're not missing much).

The St. Louis Cardinals World Championship rings are, no doubt, very cool. They have fifty diamonds, including 4 princess-cuts which double as bases, and 32 rubies. They also may be evil. Since the season started, the Cards have scored 2 lousy runs against Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez, both of whom were teammates of Abner Doubleday.

Not only that, but Chris Carpenter is hurt, the usually sure-handed Skip Schumaker had a ball go off his head, So Taguchi has done his best Lonnie Smith impersonation and, most frightening of all, Braden Looper is being called upon to stop the skid. As a starting pitcher.

Why this has happened, nobody is sure. Maybe they got caught up in the hoopla of opening day and the ring ceremony. Maybe they were distracted by Tony LaRussa's DUI arrest. Maybe they were helping Keith Richards snort his father. At this point, it's a mystery. After two games of ineptitude, Cardinal Nation is uneasy.

(However, there is apparently no truth to the rumor that a Cards fan has dressed like a Hobbit, scaled the Arch and thrown a plastic replica of a ring into the Mississippi River.)

I'm thoroughly convinced Joakim Noah's mom and Animal from The Muppets somehow mated and the product was Joakim. Look at the juxtaposition of the arms, the crazy hair. The oddly similar facial features.

Just sayin'...

Well, that was anti-climactic. After much pomp and circumstance surrounding the pre-game festivities, So Taguchi, Preston Wilson and Yadier Molina played like So Taguchi, Preston Wilson and Yadier Molina do.

The lone highlight for Cards fans from Opening Day in St. Louis was knowing that someone at Busch Stadium actually once had sex with Angelina Jolie. That lucky bastard would be Billy Bob Thornton, co-emcee on the night along with Cards radio announcer John Rooney.

At this point, putting So Taguchi in left field isn't that much of an upgrade over Chris Duncan. No, seriously. And Yadier Molina hitting fifth? This is a guy who has a lower career slugging percentage than Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, as Jerry Crasnick points out.

Preston Wilson? All he managed to do was stave off one rally before it began, hitting into a double play in his first at-bat of the season in the first inning, and killing another potential rally by striking out with runners in scoring position. Nice.

While it is easy to blame the players for going limp in their opportunity, somebody has to question what Tony LaRussa was doing putting that line-up on the field in the first place (insert not funny joke about alcohol here). While Cardinal Nation is familiar with LaRussa's love for match-ups, Taguchi and Wilson seem odd choices for the assignment, given their history against Glavine was a combined 11 for 59, and both struggled mightily this spring. Wilson and LaRussa even had a minor war of words early in spring training about Wilson's "long" swing (I'll save you the link - it was much ado about very little. LaRussa basically told Preston to get his ass in gear).

So, what does this mean for the 2007 season? Very little. Chris Duncan will play more than So Taguchi, Scott Spiezio and his colorful facial hair will probably play more than Preston Wilson, and Chris Carpenter is sure to pitch better. It was a strange way to open the year, but I'm willing to look past it...for now.