The St. Louis Cardinals World Championship rings are, no doubt, very cool. They have fifty diamonds, including 4 princess-cuts which double as bases, and 32 rubies. They also may be evil. Since the season started, the Cards have scored 2 lousy runs against Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez, both of whom were teammates of Abner Doubleday.

Not only that, but Chris Carpenter is hurt, the usually sure-handed Skip Schumaker had a ball go off his head, So Taguchi has done his best Lonnie Smith impersonation and, most frightening of all, Braden Looper is being called upon to stop the skid. As a starting pitcher.

Why this has happened, nobody is sure. Maybe they got caught up in the hoopla of opening day and the ring ceremony. Maybe they were distracted by Tony LaRussa's DUI arrest. Maybe they were helping Keith Richards snort his father. At this point, it's a mystery. After two games of ineptitude, Cardinal Nation is uneasy.

(However, there is apparently no truth to the rumor that a Cards fan has dressed like a Hobbit, scaled the Arch and thrown a plastic replica of a ring into the Mississippi River.)