If you have not been watching Celebrity Fit Club on VH-1, you are missing the best show on television. Forget 24, Lost or The Office. Celebrity Fit Club blows them all out of the water. If you are not familiar with the show, let me tell you how it works. VH-1 gets C and D-list "celebrities" who are far past their prime and have become fat, disgusting slobs to compete to see who can lose the most weight and win prizes and money.

Among the "celebrities" who have taken part in this ritual of humiliation include: rapper Biz Markie, actor Daniel Baldwin, former SNL star Victoria Jackson, Willie Aames from Charles In Charge, Tempestt Bledsoe of The Cosby Show, former Baywatch babe and Playboy model Erika Eleniak (in photo on right, in her glory days), Nick Turturro from NYPD Blue and Tina Yothers from Family Ties.

Last night was the season finale of the best season to date. As it turns out, Screech from Saved by the Bell (Dustin Diamond) is a total prick. Who knew? He antagonizes and makes fun of every cast member, mocking them and their careers - even bragging about his sex tape. The cast members, which include Maureen McCormick of The Brady Bunch and pop singer Tiffany, are furious with him throughout. Video tapes show him at home, stuffing his face with whipped cream and cookies and all sorts of junk. He even challenges their physical fitness instructor, a former Marine, to "physical combat", resulting in the instructor getting within an inch of homicide and referring to Screech as "a waste of sperm". You simply will not find a more enjoyable television experience.

All of this led me to think: What athletes would be perfect for this show? Which athletes would make Celebrity Fit Club as entertaining as it has been, willing to humiliate themselves for a small amount of money and our amusement? Here are a few ideas to get the ball rolling. Hopefully, VH-1 execs will read this, and immediately call these people's agents. If they still have agents.

Tonya Harding:

Everybody's favorite trailer trash skater would be absolutely perfect for this show. Perfect! The formerly skinny Olympian is now a lardaceous version of her former self. She has been arrested, had a sex tape put out and hilariously eaten herself into a heavyweight boxing sideshow. There is not a more perfect candidate for CFC than Harding.


Craig Stadler:

Not the only golfer who will be on this show, Stadler has famously been out of shape for a long, long time. His nickname is "The Walrus", and I do not think that whoever game him that name was thinking of The Beatles. Stadler has had some success in his career, winning tournaments like the Nissan Open and the Buick Invitational. He is on the Champions (Seniors) Tour now, and his career could probably use a boost. What better way than to make an appearance on CFC?


James "Buster" Douglas:

Douglas is somewhat of a sad story. After knocking out Mike Tyson in Tokyo in 1990, Douglas would have only one title defense, and lost to Evander Holyfield. He retired from boxing and ballooned to a garagantuan 400 pounds. Not only that, but he nearly perished from a diabetic coma because of his obesity. Buster could probably use some of the prize money given away on the show, as he was taken advantage of by people he trusted, and lost most of his cash.


Phil Mickelson:

Granted, the "Hefty Lefty" shed a few pounds in the offseason, and he has a smoking hot wife, but Mickelson would give us a lot of copy during the weekly weigh-ins. Not to mention he still has man-breasts and would benefit greatly from Frank Costanza's man-boob bra, aka "The Bro". Mickelson's whining would make the drill instructor's head spin. Can you just imagine Phil not being able to get through one of the fitness challenges and blasting the exercise for being dangerous, just like he blamed the course at the U.S. Open for being dangerous even though nobody else pulled up lame?


Gilbert Brown:

Brown is the definition of corpulence. Before games in Green Bay, Brown would order Double Whoppers, with double everything on them. These would later be sold as "Gilbertburgers" at area Burger Kings. A former third round pick, Brown would always push 400 pounds as a playing weight, occasionally "slimming down" to a svelte 390 or so. He was a colorful character who did a "Gravedigger" move after a big play. That's appropo, considering he was digging his own grave one Double Whopper at a time.


Shaquille O'Neal:

Somewhat ironically, and definitely amusingly, Shaq and ABC Television have partnered to create a reality show called Shaq's Big Challenge, which will aid fat kids in trying to lose weight. While I am not mocking the idea - there are far too many blimps masquerading as children nowadays - the fact that Shaq is somehow a model of fitness strikes me as odd. Maybe Dwayne Wade would have been a better choice, no? At one time, Shaq was a lean, explosive 300 pounds. But that time has come and gone. He struggles to get up and down the court, and his injuries have hampered his conditioning. Now, he is just a large man. But he would bring the show a sense of humor and one-liners that would be wholly entertaining. Maybe he could even box Tonya Harding. Either that, or he'd arrest her.